Et tu, Brute? The gut punching losses of jealousy inspired betrayal- A look at the Benedict Arnold's in our midst.

 "It is much worse to have one foe in the camp than to have a host of foes out-side, for who can tell what harm he may do who comes in the guise of a friend?"

-  Chapter XII; Foes in the Camp; The Life of George Washington by Josephine Pollard.

        Benedict Arnold, a seaman in his youth, had fought well for the cause of the American Revolution.  He grew proud and vain and wanted to get the same praise and renown as George Washington, with whom he was highly critical. The hope to gain great amounts of money also fueled his treachery.  Washington thought highly of Arnold and couldn't have conceived in his mind he was full of hateful deceit.

      The shortcut to the end of this story is that Washington entrusts Arnold with a major commanding position and many troops under his direction.  Meanwhile, Arnold enlists the help of John Andre, a man of high rank and great wealth in England to help him betray and sabotage the cause of the Americans at war.  Andre travels to America to assist Arnold.  Ultimately a plan to cause a major post at West Point to surrender to the English is planned and attempted.  Arnold would be the hero of England and could have power and influence in the Royal colonies.  He could be great in the eyes of many just like the Commander in Chief, George Washington.  Not only that, he could cause the Americans to lose the war and send Washington to the grave.

1) George Washington was a very smart man.  Washington could not discern the two-facedness of Arnold.  In fact, Washington had a multitude of examples that reinforced his trust and faith in Arnold. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE BEEN VICTIM to the deceitful nature of someone who aimed to hurt you that you trusted.  Sometimes this simply cannot be prevented.

        This saga ends with Arnold's wicked plans being discovered.  He escapes to England and is shunned by all in America.  Andre is caught and hung.  Arnold was exiled and shamed.  Those in the colonies who got to know Andre before his execution had grown fond of him and pained about his fate.  Even George Washington held this sentiment, though he hid it.  There were many tears at his hanging.  It seems Arnold got off easy, but it is clear he got the opposite of what his evil desire wickedly lusted for.  He returned to England a failure and hated by the Americans and the English alike, who blamed him for the death of their hero, Andre.  No glory, no praise. 

2)  JEALOUSY IS DEMONIC and should never be taken as a minor fault or hang-up (see James 3:16)

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?  You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.      James 4:1-3

          The story of Cain killing Abel is in Genesis 4.  Cain was jealous and resentful of Abel because God had looked favorably at Abel's offering, but not Cain's.  God encouraged Cain that his offering could be just as favorable if he would just choose well.  God also warned Cain about the sin that was creeping up on him and encouraged him to have mastery over it. Essentially he told him, "You can control this!  Choose the right!"

            One consideration is that jealousy hurts a person by stealing their joy and ability to be grateful for what they have. It puts the focus on your perceived lack and resenting what someone else has that you choose to feel entitled to or feel you desperately need. It turns our faith from God who cares for us and whom we are to trust as the loving provider he is, to ourselves. Or we could scheme to get what we need from people through manipulative or nefarious means.  Or we could just feel down and depressed by the comparison of someone we are jealous of. But a more serious consideration is that jealousy leaves you vulnerable to demonic influence, essentially tapping into a storehouse of evil inspiration and motivation.  One may look in the mirror one day to find a monster staring back;  A monster who says, "I am capable of great evil" either because of what they've done or conspired to do.  The plotting to kill, steal and destroy another can all be bred from the dreadful sin of jealousy.  

Dear Friends, HAVE MASTERY OVER THIS.  DO NOT FALL PREY TO IT!  Nothing anyone has is worth your own inner misery and suffering as you long for it.   And nothing you can take is worth the discipline or punishment of God you risk inheriting for the terrible sins jealousy can inspire. 

3) Moving forward after betrayal

     Everyone will have days of infamy in their life that they associate with major painful events.  In regards to betrayal, it may be the day a spouse surprised you with "I want a divorce" or "I've moved on to someone else".  It may be the day you discovered someone you loved was living a double life; A 'Jekyll and Hyde kind of double life' or just spreading false rumors about you.  It may be someone's false testimony that got you in trouble for something you didn't do, or an employee or family member that embezzled money from you.  All of the 'could be's' still have the same risk in how they can affect your life.  Two choices: this can make you bitter, or make you better.

         We cannot take back the hurts done to us.  We can't erase the pain of betrayal. But we can leave it with God over and over and over and focus on not becoming bitter towards someone.   If someone hurt you, do the opposite and care for yourself, love yourself. Do the opposite of the hate you experienced, and love someone in your life with greater intention and care.  Smile and thank God you're alive and ask God for help with any negative feelings you struggle with.  And keep asking God for help anytime you start to play a judgmental monolog in your head about that person.  Interrupt the thoughts, with declarations of blessing and asking for God's will to be done in their life and yours.  Pray for your "enemies" or anyone that hurt you.  It helps! Declare your trust that God will sort it out in his perfect timing and way. "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." (Romans 12:19)

4) Hope for the Victim and the Victimizer.  We all need the forgiveness found in Christ.  We all need God's grace.

        We cannot escape the eye of God, but we can fall into his arms no matter what we've done.  God asks us to 'repent and sin no more'. Repentance means we are turning from something that offends God, that he forbids.  It is a choice of stopping something 'bad' but signifies a change in heart that is motivating it.  When we have a change in heart we want to do what we can to right our wrongs that held us feeling guilty and condemned. This doesn't mean we escape the consequences of our wrongs but that we have the chance to take the first step to deal with it.  It's the difference between turning ourselves in for a warrant or getting apprehended by surprise and hauled to jail.  If you turn yourself in, you are able to get your affairs in order beforehand and not be caught off guard.  You are also more likely to get favorable treatment from a judge rather than being forcibly arrested while you were still evading your criminal charges.  In the courts of God, I'd like to think God's hand of discipline falls differently, most certainly lighter, when we repent in our own free will.

      A beautiful illustration of repentance is found in Luke, chapter 19.  This covers the story of Zacchaeus, a tax collector who had grown rich by cheating people out of money.  Zacchaeus had a life changing encounter with Jesus, felt convicted and wanted to right his wrongs.  He was inspired to radical generosity and gave half of all he owned to the poor AND paid back anyone he had cheated, four times the amount he took.  And on his own free will!  All because he experienced the kindness and fellowship Christ offered him and then he choose actions that reflected his hearts change.  The cost or consequences didn't phase him because getting right with Jesus is all that mattered.  

Closing thoughts:  "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."  Don't let envy and jealousy steal from your emotional well being, mental and physical health.  Find ways to combat it by replacing anxious thoughts with prayers, crying out to God for help when you face lack.  Pray for your enemies.  Nip evil in the bud by not allowing jealousy to take root.

A final warning from 'The Life of George Washington':

"He that breaks laws must pay the price.  If you want to make friends, and to have them love and trust you - be true. Let no one coax you to sin.  The eye of God is on you, and he sees all your deeds.  You may hide your crime for a while, but you may "be sure your sin will find you out."  Be not an Arnold nor an Andre."  

A Letter to my Dead Daughter's Birth Mother

Dear Kindred Mama,

February 23, 2022

Well, here we are again.  This time last year our girl was alive but the clock was ticking down. I've thought a lot about our Jaylynn this past week, especially as her 22nd birthday passed us by.  The grief was largely dormant for many previous months, but as I'm staring down February 28th at approximately 1 am, the grief has stirred awake, understandably so.  It's like I'm preparing to watch a sad movie again, knowing the part I hate still hasn't changed, yet holding this inner tension that it's worth watching again, worth contemplating, worth holding the weight of the truth that this upcoming date holds. 

I've felt compelled to spill out in words the feelings and thoughts stirred up as I revisit this stormy darkness from a year ago.  And I hope as I do perhaps the sun will peak through the clouds and warm us both in some healing way.  What words do I have?  I've written letters to her with my thoughts.  Sometimes I'm mad at her, and sometimes I'm remembering the good times.  I've rehearsed all the steps taken, the pitstops in her life I witnessed, the sharp course changes, and the ending.  The gut-wrenching ending of a frozen body laying on the ground.  The precious body of the daughter we both loved, frostbitten and awaiting her final resting place. 

I know how the 'what if's' torment.  I know the mapping out of each alternate turn and think of the hundreds of different destinations that could have been her life's journey.  And I know all about the guilt.  I struggle with a different guilt than you, and a different reason for enduring chronic stress, but I still get it.  I have guilt about how taking in Jaylynn challenged the best version of me, the healthier me, the gracious me, the NOT carrying TOO much me, to survive during those years I was raising her. This force that had to be reckoned with that was Jaylynn.  This inescapable force of joy, and make believe fun, and stubborn, sometimes seemingly unyielding negativity and resistance;  This force of tenderness and affection, the generosity and 'I wanna make them proud' rivaled with 'I will fight them at almost every turn'; the vulnerability and heartfelt words, the hard-hearted, 'I'm gonna act tough no matter what'.  It was all her. Paul and I struggled now and then with our decision to take on this force but we never felt right about saying no.  We never wanted her to feel the sting of our rejection.  So we matched this force with the best we had, even as we took on the added strain and disadvantage our choice caused some of our other children, because we loved her so. 

_____________________________________________

Dear Kindred Mama,

February 28, 2022

As an adoptive mother we sometimes get to play the role of hero and we sometimes get to play the role of villain.  There's generally a whole lot of finger pointing coming from biological families who prefer the assignment of villain.  And there are all kinds of opinions from those on the sidelines watching the plays and replays, that feel entitled to their assessment of how they could have done better, or what should have been done differently.   Meanwhile, in the trenches of everyday parenting at the intensity needed to match the force that was Jaylynn, we didn't have the luxury of passive reflection.  We were trying to maintain our ideals of the life we wanted for our pre-Jaylynn family, and hold it all together with 4, then 5, then 6, then 7, then 8 kids. 

Jaylynn was, it seemed, at the top of the pyramid, and I felt if she came tumbling down, we'd all fall into a fractured heap together.  Her mannerisms and attitude were mimicked by the younger kids so I couldn't let her fly under the radar.  For the good of all my other kids, she gobbled up the majority of my attention, efforts, and patience. It was a stressful balancing act when having little ones and homeschooling, with no family support nearby.  I emotionally felt I was in the Circus net many times a day.  I told you many times on the phone how hard it was to raise her.  It was draining many days correcting, directing, and managing her inexhaustible stubbornness.  And Yes!, there were so many times we felt rewarded by the creative fun and joy she created with the kids she grew to love so dearly, each with their own special bond.  Overall though, the return on our parenting investment was as slow as Jaylynn was growing.  Like the growing of a tree, where you cannot notice change unless a good deal of time has gone by, it took the slow passing of time for Paul and me and those in our tribe, to notice positive changes from our costly efforts and investments.  Year after year, the positive changes are something you noticed as well.  Until you didn't.  Until suddenly, we both didn't. 

I went to bed last night and thought, 'the horrors begin in a little over an hour'.  I woke up without an alarm at precisely the time the investigator believes she took her last breath.  I told Paul the time and flatly stated, 'She's free now'.  But Kindred Mama, I know how hard it is for us to be free when the death of so many dreams for our girl’s good on earth are buried with her.  It's a weight to carry with us on our journey.  A weight we will never get to put down.  But I don't wish that weight to be heavier than you can bear; not heavier from unnecessary burdens.  You may grapple with the harshest voices of guilt, shame, and finger pointing coming from within your own mind and directed at you with vicious tenacity.  You know, the labels that try to stick on you.  Drug addict.  For many years you lived through times of chaos, recovery, betrayal, sickness, emotional and mental anguish, uncertainty, dependence on others, and the big ol' 'more than you can handle' mess that led from crisis to crisis.   But these damned labels are so narrow, so harshly condemning and they lie.  They lie by default because they leave out so much truth.  So much truth about who you were and what you did.   

Mother.  You are a mother that sang to your babies, did their hair up cute, and took joy in their smiles and milestones.  You are a mother that made sure your kids always had the best clothes so they would never feel ‘poor’.  You were a mother that prayed many a desperate prayers for help as you did your best to care for them.  You are the mother that took your kids to play at the park and did fun things with them. You are a mother that left stable housing because you found out your daughter was threatened so you launched out to face years of uncertainty with your living circumstances.  Because you sure as hell were not going to stay somewhere where you knew your girls could be abused.  When the girls came to live with us the first time, it was because you wanted them to be safe and well cared for and you knew there were barriers to their well being you could not remove at that time.   

Few people understand the overwhelming challenges you faced.  Only God understands the dark places you've been in mentally and emotionally.  God alone knows what it is like to be in your exact position where the timing and circumstances collided making it futile to fight to keep custody of your own children, because the instability in your life at that time was incompatible with their best.  So you've had to walk through the tragedy of losing connection and control in the eventual raising of the kids you birthed.  That is brutal.  But it doesn't erase...Mother.  It doesn't erase all the good you did for your kids; the hundreds of hugs, the bedtime stories, the efforts to make a good and safe life for them.  God knows the big picture and while some may take pride in how well they've done in life, they haven't walked in your shoes and had pits to dig out of that took all your inner fortitude not to just want to give up and die.  He saw all the good and it's not lost on Him.   

And I suppose this is where our stories as mothers intersect.  Jaylynn turned 18 and you were a completely different person by this time.  Perhaps not having to raise the girls for a number of years contributed to allowing you the space and time to get your footing on solid ground, and start living a life where you enjoyed some healthy relationships, stability, rewarding work, and a halting of the crisis to crisis storyline.  Perhaps it was the serendipitous good fortune of meeting the right person at the right time.  Perhaps it was God's help.  But you set out with optimism to help Jaylynn launch into adulthood.   I had little to no contact with you during these years.  I know there were ups and lots of downs.  There were false starts, and determined talk of plans to make changes.  But Jaylynn seemed to be drifting more and more into depression, alcohol abuse, and stagnation where she just wouldn't or couldn't get herself moving in any direction but down.  I remember you told me a few years in that 'she had put you through Hell'. Undoubtedly, you also have a treasure trove of happy memories and good times throughout those years as well that you wouldn't trade for the world. 

The end of this earthly story is no happy ending.  The girl we loved so much.  The girl we wanted the best for.  The girl we worked so hard to help.  That girl had her own will, chose her own way and wrestled with her own demons.  And we know the ending.  I do wonder if her ending was God's mercy saving her from more suffering, and the suffering she could have caused others.  5 hours of misery beats decades of misery.  Then I wonder if her death was as simple as bad timing, a poor choice, and the perfect collision of unfortunate circumstances that mark many tragedies.  And that she was otherwise destined to turn herself around a few more years down the road.  

Kindred Mama, all we have is the moment we are in and a chance to plan and prepare for the best future possible.  While I agree that there are times we can recognize hurtful or selfish choices we have made and say sorry or make amends for any hurt we've caused.  Beyond that, this focus can be an unproductive rut to get stuck in where we repeatedly beat ourselves up with our own internal punishing squad. There is absolutely no good thing that will come from beating yourself up over past regrets.  It's gone and done.  What’s best is to change the NOW for the better each day. You lost Jaylynn, but you still have 2 adult kids, a beautiful granddaughter, and a chance to make the most out of the years ahead.  To continue to fight like hell not to relapse and to get your shit together real quick if you do or did.  Because the rest of the story can continue to be different.  The rest of the story could be the best years of your life. 👊💪💖

  

I want to wrap up my thoughts with a story that Jesus told in Luke 18:10-14 

“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.  The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” 

Unlike the self-righteous finger pointers that are quite upstanding in their own eyes and tend to distinguish their goodness in relation to those below them that are 'bad' or just not doing life right like they are, you are in the superior position of already knowing you need mercy.  Mercy for the future.  Mercy for the now.  Whether realized or not, the very best humans on earth need that mercy! You are light years ahead of the finger pointers, who in their pride think they can judge you or look down on you.  And as far as your inner voices of regret, or negativity, you gotta pull out your STFU to those thoughts as often as they come up.  All God needs is a humble heart asking for help, and he's right there!  He is drawn to that and he'll have your back to help you get from point A to point B.  

 
As I end the day Jaylynn left us a year ago, I encourage you, kindred mama, to keep living, to keep your chin up, to drop the worthless guilt and shame from the past, and to LIVE.  You are still here and you are needed.  God still has important work for you, the best of which is to throw off the weights you were not meant to carry.  The grief of losing a child is weight enough.  "Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22  Jesus keeps HOPE ALIVE! https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=4Q9itF7tx0o

From the other mother of the same beloved daughter,

Kayloni

Jaylynn's Obituary: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G05xMCxYq7GesijfMrNLlOk0Kq1wDEx3hy9n3m-ORA0/edit