Walking in Shame and Condemnation to walking in Forgiveness

The following is a testimony from Jill Enzler, my mother, from around 2001:  "I was raised Catholic and was adamantly pro-life. I became sexually active at a young age which resulted in a pregnancy at 15 years of age. I gave birth to my daughter when I was 16. After her birth, and during my junior year of high school I continued to live with my parents, and planned to marry the father prior to my senior year. My parents were very supportive and helped financially and with the care of their granddaughter. My fiance and I continued to be sexually active. He would rarely take no for an answer and I left what little precautions we took up to him... (big mistake). My mother had commented once that I had just made "one" mistake, which was her way of communicating to me that she thought I was no longer sexually active. I didn't tell her otherwise, and did not want to use birth control as I didn't want her to find any "evidence". I became pregnant again just four months after the birth of my daughter. I didn't feel I could cope with the responsibilities of another baby. There was also the shame and embarrassment of being stupid enough to get pregnant again so soon...along with a huge list of other reasons why it just wasn't possible to carry my baby to term. Letting my parents down after they had held their heads high and taken care of me, and their granddaughter; the toll pregnancy had taken on my body, and on and on. So with a heavy heart, and full knowledge that what I was about to do was wrong...I aborted my child. I cried during the procedure and for hours after. I prayed to God and asked His forgiveness, and I promised Him, I would never do this again. Six months later I found myslef in the same situation. My wedding was right around the corner, but nothing else had changed... so I made the same decision/mistake once agian. The only difference was, this time I didn't cry. I was numb. I had been pregnant three times within a period of one year. I had chosen life with all the vigor, passion, and stubbornness a teenager could possess. I chose death when the load got too heavy and I was ashamed and embarrassed. I did so full knowing that what I was doing was taking a life. During this entire process only one health care professional ever questioned my decision. At this it was very meek, 'Are you sure you still want to go through with this?' I replied, it wasn't something I wanted to do, but something I had to do. I carried the pain and guilt that comes with this "choice" for many years to come. Most of the time I was able to shove it back and suppresss the pain and heavy feeling of guilt. Then there were times when it would be in the forefront of my mind. HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY. I knew what was in my past and there was no way I could change or amend what I had done. I had taken two innocent lives. I had broken my heartfelt and sincere promise to God.

My heart still longs for my children.... just to know what their faces look like and what their lives are like. What do they know about me? How can I love them from here? The only thing that comforts me is knowing that they are in the presence of our Lord. I close my eyes and imagine what it must be like to be in His presence. This is how I find comfort when I think of my children. I know they are in a better place. I know they are loved far beyond my comprehension of love.

It took over 15 years to arrive at this conclusion and to learn to walk in God's kind and forgiving ways. During these years of shame and secrecy, as a Catholic, I never again returned to the confessional. I couldn't even begin to confesss this sin to a priest. I was relieved when "The Church," started to allow group confessions during mass. We were all able to silently confess our sins during service. I did this at every opportunity, but my confidence in actually being forgiven was little. The guilt and HEAVY HEAVY feeling of shame and remorse remained. I believed my sin was very possibly unforgivable. I questioned my own salvation for more than 15 years. Then I met my husband. As we grew closer and marriage became a possibility I felt the need to share "my sin" with him. I thought he should know I may not be able to meet him at the pearly gates. Thank God he was well versed in the Bible and filled with the Holy Spirit. Through him, God spoke to me His message of salvation. I was relieved that what I had learned as a child was far from the truth. I became more interested in the Word of God and publicly accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. Life was better, but the burden of guilt still pressed heavy upon me. How could God forgive me for something like this? Something I could never forgive myself for? I no longer doubted my salvation, but continued to carry the burden I had suppressed for so many years. I was able to ask Jesus into my life...but I still had barricades set up... and the HEAVY HEAVY burden was still there. Then I attended Women of Faith's, Extravagant Grace Conference (April, 2000). One of the speakers rattled off a list of various sins that women could commit. One of which was the "A" word... ABORTION. She then went on to speak of God's Grace... she spoke as if it were a snowy white blanket that could cover all. And there I sat. The HEAVY feeling pressed down upon me again. A break followed, along with an invitaion for prayer. I decided to seek out the prayer room, but had difficulty finding it. I actually gave up and proceeded to once again shove back the HEAVY feelings associate with my sin. As I walked away from the prayer room area I felt a strong desire to give it one more shot. So I asked a gentleman who was obviously helping out where to go for prayer. He explained where to go and then later came to check on me as I waited my turn outside the door. Moments later his wife came rushing down the corridor and invited me in. She was a very special lady, and I will never forget her. I shared with her that I was burdened by a sin that I had carried for so long. I cried out and explained that I couldn't forgive myself. Of course my shame would not allow me to share the exact nature of my sin. She walked me through the Word of God and clearly spelled out His message of Salvation. And, FINALLY, two things became crystal clear. First, God doesn't provide us with a list of, "sins not covered" through His plan of salvation. The other thing I realized is that although I had asked Jesus Christ into my heart and confessed my sins, I had been unwilling or able to RECEIVE him. I was carrying my burden. I finally let it go. I turned it over...part of this process involved seeing Jesus hanging on the cross, dying for me, and there I was....standing in the distance, handing on to my past...thinkng, "No, you can't take this, this is my mistake, my burden to carry.... In other words, "What you are doing isn't good enough." "Sorry Jesus, your blood can't cover this".... and then I realized that doing this was worse than the sin itself. God sent His Son to die for our sins, for ALL sin. The snow white blanket of grace covered me, it draped around every part of me, including the person who made the decision to abort two beautiful children. I finaly accepted and received His forgiveness. I truly felt His love in me, and all around me. Best of all, His love now shines through me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you! May your love continue to shine through me, and reach others in your name."